this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
