Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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