No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
it was like eating out sand paper
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
