Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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