it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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