remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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