When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
