i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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