oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize