Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
