I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
