My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
