Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
