I think i peed on brittanys purse
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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