the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
