Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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