There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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