i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
