i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I have aggressive nipples.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
