capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize