I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
