Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
