It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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