So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Sober January is a disaster.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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