i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
