All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
