You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
