Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
