I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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