what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
