I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
