It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
