Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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