why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
