I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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