I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize