You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
