I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
