This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
