I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
