I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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