First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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