omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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