His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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