Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize