Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
