Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
