I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's shark week go big or go home
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize