happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
