A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
