I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
