i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
