i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
