I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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