nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
