life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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