Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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