Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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