Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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