i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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