Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
