you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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