Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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