Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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