I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
