I heard we made out
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
