If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
