I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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