the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
